by Kim Blackham
Question:
My husband just signed a contract to take over a practice in the town we both grew up in. Part of me thinks it will be nice to be home again, but the other part of me thinks it is going to be hard. Our families don’t understand the challenges of medical life and my in-laws expect us to be at every family event. My mother-in-law has lots of opinions about how I raise our kids, take care of her son and live my life. The stress of his family bleeds into our relationship together. It is one of the main things we argue about. How do I deal with in-laws and not let it ruin my marriage?
Answer:
Getting along with one’s own family is hard enough. Getting along with a second family is a topic of contention in most relationships. The number one priority is for your relationship with your in-laws not to hurt your marriage. There are several proactive things you can do to ensure that happens.
Set Boundaries
Notice the situations you are worried about right now and begin to come up with boundaries and solutions ahead of time. It is always easier if you and your partner are on the same page, so try and make those decisions together.
“We are thrilled to be home for the holidays again. We will be celebrating Christmas day on our own each year, but we would love to join you for Christmas Eve.”
Clearly defined boundaries make relationships easier because boundaries solve many of the issues that cause conflict. Boundaries, much like property lines, allow us to determine what becomes part of our life. They allow us to welcome friendly things in, as well as keep harmful things out. Sometimes, it helps to think of boundaries more like picket fences rather than concrete walls. They are not intended to isolate, but rather to provide opportunities for the best possible connections.
“We are glad you want to come and visit. Because of the call schedule, it won’t work to have you come this weekend. The week after next would work for us.”
When you have clearly defined boundaries, you don’t need to be angry. You can calmly and kindly explain what works and what does not work for you. Your families may have a hard time accepting boundaries at first. That’s okay. You still have a right to set them.
Act Like a Grown-Up
You are always responsible for your own actions. Always. Even if your in-laws are difficult or disrespectful, you don’t have a pass to be unkind in return.
Commit never to gossip about your in-laws. It doesn’t matter what they may have done, they are still your partner’s parents. You owe your spouse the respect of not talking about them.
Recognize that most likely, they are not going to understand your unique challenges. Don’t expect them to.
You will have to weigh which issues you should address and which ones you should let roll off your back. Your in-laws may disagree with what you choose to feed your kids or how you discipline. They may comment that your house isn’t up to par or make a snide remark about how you choose to spend your time and money. Before you allow them to destroy your self-esteem or your marriage, consider the source. Does it really matter if your mother-in-law thinks your child should be eating differently? Really…does it matter?
It might. That may be one of the issues that you draw the line and set a boundary. But it may be one of the issues you let slide because there is a more important issue that requires a boundary instead.
Make an Effort
Begin by building on whatever relationship is already there. If your relationship is strained, don’t start off aiming for an ideal one. Start with trying for small improvements. Each time you interact with them, ask yourself, “What is one thing I can do to make an effort right now?” People love talking about themselves. Take an interest in them and seek to know them. One small way that I have made an effort over the years is to send my mother-in-law flowers on my husband’s birthday. It’s not much, but it is one small way I have tried to communicate that I am grateful for her as the mother who loved and took care of my husband for many years.
Encourage your spouse to have a relationship with his or her parents. Remind your partner to text, send pictures or make a quick phone call on the way home. It will demonstrate to your partner that his or her family really does matter. When possible, make an effort to show up as well. If your children and spouse are on Skype with your in-laws, pop into the screen for at least a few minutes. When they are in town, try and be present.
Don’t Hit Below the Belt
If an issue does arise and you need to address it with your partner, focus on the situation without attacking character. We all feel that part of our identity is intermixed with the family we grew up with. Even if we think they are crazy and dysfunctional, it’s okay for us to think that, but when someone else says it, it hurts. Somehow that attacks part of who we are. When you are upset about your in-laws and take that to your partner, be sensitive to the fact that part of his or her identity is on the line too. We know we are attacking character when we start making global statements such as, “You sister is so selfish!” or “Your brother is so inconsiderate!” Watch out for the tendency to compare your spouse to one of his or her family members, “You’re just like your father!” That is a low blow.
Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist, popular presenter and speaker and media expert. As the wife of a surgeon, Kim is passionate about helping medical marriages thrive. She leads marriage retreats for physician couples, hosts the Nurturing Medical Marriages Facebook Group, and meets privately with couples for intensive marital therapy weekends. You can find more information by visiting her website www.kimblackham.com, joining the Nurturing Medical Marriages Facebook group, or contacting her directly at [email protected].