Question:
My spouse is in his final year of training and we are so excited to reach this point, but finding the right job seems to be adding a lot of stress and strain on our relationship. How can we fix this? What tips do you have for making this decision together?
Answer:
Congratulations on making it to this stage in the process! Finding a job is stressful and exciting all at the same time. Especially that first “real job” out of training. You’ve sacrificed for so many years and are anxious to have the hard part come to an end. Yet for many physician couples, the task for finding the whole “package deal” is filled with anxiety. This is also a time I see a lot of couples struggle to make decisions together and work as a team.
After all the years of supporting a physician through training, it can be extremely hurtful to be left out of the decision making process when it comes time to find a job. Your first job will impact the whole family–the friends your children will make, the schools they will attend, the church and community you will become a part of, and the job for the non-physician partner. Additionally, your satisfaction at work, as well as your commitments and demands, will have a significant impact on the rest of the family. Here are five tips to help you make the decision together and work as a team.
1. Determine the states/areas you are both willing to live. Are there certain states that would present a real hardship for your partner? For example, there is one state in the US that does not recognize the national marriage and family therapy licensing exam. If we were to move to that state, I would have to sit for another exam in order to be licensed. While I am not opposed to that, it would be hurtful if my husband did not acknowledge that sacrifice on my part. Many other professions are impacted by similar things. Does your partner want to sit for a new state bar exam? Does his or her chosen career have opportunities in all the cities you are pursuing? Are there climate issues or distance to extended family that impact desired location? Value the input and desires of your partner as you choose where to live.
2. Take your partner with you to interviews. It is very telling when a practice offers to fly both you and your partner out for an interview. It may not be the first interview, but certainly before you are asked to make a final decision. Give your spouse an opportunity to meet your potential colleagues and ask any questions that he or she may have. Set up opportunities to meet with a Realtor and visit neighborhoods and schools. Encourage him or her to connect with AMA Alliance members in the new area to get a feel for what it would be like for your family and receive support.
3. Openly share your concerns or desires. You cannot expect your partner to read your mind or even to remember concerns you may have brought up in the past. If you have concerns about practice setting, call responsibility, reimbursement, or work hours, respectfully bring those up. Even if you have talked about them in the past. The fact that your partner doesn’t remember, is not an indication that your concerns are not important to him or her. It may just mean that there are so many things to consider and he or she forgot.
4. Encourage and lift your partner. In relationships, it is your job to be your partner’s number one fan. As you are both looking for new jobs, encourage and build each other up. Offer support and encouragement before the job interviews and kindness and respect when they don’t go well. There is a tremendous amount of pressure on the physician to find the “right job.” He or she wants to get it right and make you proud. He or she is very cognizant of the student loan debt looming over your family and his or her responsibility to provide. Be supportive and make sure your own stress does not come out sounding critical or blaming towards your spouse. The message your partner needs to hear is that he or she is good enough for you.
5. Make final decisions together. You should never accept a job without first consulting your partner. Ever. Nor should you accept the job without the support and agreement of your partner. This is your life together. It’s about trust and connection, companionship and loyalty. If you are not happy in your marriage, you will be less successful and less fulfilled at work. If compromises have to be made, make sure they are not all one sided. You can’t pull the “I sacrificed 10 years of my life to put you through training, now you have to take the job I want you to have.” You didn’t sacrifice for your partner to be unhappy at work. You sacrificed so your partner could love going to work every day. But the physician partner also can’t pull the “This is my career, I’ll take whatever job I want.” The truth is, there have been lots of sacrifices to get to this point – from both the physician and non-physician spouse. Both partners deserve equal voice in the final decision.
What tips have you learned to make decisions together and work as a team? Leave a comment below to help support other couples in similar situations.
Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist, popular presenter and speaker and media expert. As the wife of a surgeon, Kim is passionate about helping medical marriages thrive. She leads marriage retreats for physician couples, hosts the Nurturing Medical Marriages Facebook Group, and meets privately with couples for intensive marital therapy weekends. You can find more information by visiting her website www.kimblackham.com, joining the Nurturing Medical Marriages Facebook group, or contacting her directly at [email protected].