by Monica Swanson
My husband’s job as a hospitalist means that he works shifts of several days in a row. He works in a busy hospital, and spends much of his workday with seriously ill patients, as well as communicating with families, other doctors, social workers, and … well, everyone it seems.
He is also an introvert by nature. When his workday is done, my husband would be quite happy to go home and not speak another word for the rest of the day, but that isn’t exactly how it goes.
Instead, my husband comes home to four busy boys, and a wife who is beyond ready to hand one (or four) of the boys directly into his loving care.
Needless to say, there can be a strain.
Over the years I have tried to help strike a bit of balance between giving my husband a bit of downtime to decompress, and encouraging him to jump into family life ASAP. Feel like it, or not.
And like most dads, my husband is crazy about his boys … they mean the world to him. He does his best to change gears and put on his “dad” hat as soon as he possibly can (even if it requires a quick power nap or dip in the ocean to make the transition).
Since I tend to be one to (over?) analyze mostly everything, I am the one in our relationship to put great thought and concern into family dynamics. I am a big believer in making sure that as parents we connect–daily if possible–to each of our boys. I’m all about mentoring, training, and being actively involved in our kids’ lives as they grow up. I’ve seen the difference that individual connections can make in each of their lives.
But there is one thing I’ve learned: these connections do not happen by chance. They are the result of intentional effort.
So, I do what I can to connect with my boys, and then I do what I can to help my husband do the same. Sometimes just a little time and effort to help set the stage is all it takes to kick off some super valuable family time. In fact, I have found that most working parents desire that quality time with their kids, and really appreciate a little help getting set up for success.
Here are two strategies for building successful family connections:
1. Plan “Family Nights”
With all of the stress of life, sometimes what we need most is to just have some fun as a family! I have learned to schedule official family nights to do just that!
With a little thought and planning, I will announce to everyone that Thursday is family night (obviously choosing a day that works best for my husband’s work schedule and kids sports/youth group schedule is key). I’ll plan a family-friendly dinner that requires only a quick cleanup. Then I’ll have something on my mind to do: a game we can all play, or a walk we can take before the sun sets. We sometimes just go around and say our highs and lows of the day, or we’ll read a story or devotional out loud. Stargazing is a favorite in our house. Ice cream always goes well with family nights.
My husband really enjoys these nights, and the kids look forward to each one I plan. Bonds are established and memories are made!
But here’s the thing: these special nights would never ever happen if someone didn’t initiate. It’s worth the time and effort to make these things happen!
2. Schedule One-on-One Time
It seems like it shouldn’t be so hard to get time alone and focus on one child at a time, but for most of us, it is! Life is busy, and I find that unless I really put effort into making it happen, we can go a long time without setting aside special time to be alone with each of our kids individually.
The best way to make one-on-one time happen is to schedule time on a family calendar (or on everyone’s devices using some kind of family sharing). You might plan that Monday will be one kid’s night with Dad, and Wednesday another. Of course if you have a bunch of kids like we do, this could fill your week, so you might try giving each parent one kid to focus on per week. The goal is simply for both parent and child to do something just between the two of them that day. This doesn’t have to be complicated or take a lot of time.
In our family, one-on-one time varies from Dad and one son playing guitar for 30 minutes, to Dad and another son kicking a soccer ball, or studying a bird book. Mom will run errands with one kid, and take time to have a lunch or ice cream date while we’re out. Over time the activities will change, but the consistent effort will pay off hugely as kids grow up feeling a connection to their parents.
Once again, Mom and Dad absolutely love our alone time with our boys. We get to know them better, and it seems that naturally things come up during these times that wouldn’t if we hadn’t set time aside. And the boys? Well, it is the highlight of their week!
There are plenty of ways that you can work on spending quality time with your kids, and help a busy spouse to do the same. Most of them take very little planning or effort, but they do take intention. I’d love to hear what you do as a family to make those connections, and if you have any helpful tips on setting up your husband or wife to connect more deeply with your kids as well.
With Aloha,
Monica
Monica Swanson lives with her very active family on two acres in the country on Oahu, Hawaii. You can read more about Monica and her discussions on parenting, healthy marriage and recipes at her blog: www.monicaswanson.com.