My Toddler Won’t Stop Saying “Cock”

(Editor’s Note: Today, we are reposting this hilarious piece by one of our own contributors that originally appeared on Kveller.com in July of 2013. Stay tuned for more great writing from Tamara Reese on the blog later this month!)

By Tamara Reese

In our house of two parents raised by tried and true New Yorkers we spend an enormous amount of effort curbing our colorful enthusiasm (ahem) around our highly verbal 3-year-old. I think the F-word has been muttered all but once in his presence and I’m pretty sure it happened when he fell backwards down 17 stairs. We do a pretty good job and when my husband or I are displeased with something we usually say to one another, “Well that totally s-u-c-k-s.”

We are that family who says “oopsy daisy!” and spells out the word sucks (mind you, away from my kids I have the mouth of a saucy trucker). The point being, we make an effort.

A few months ago, I was rough housing with my son and he looked at me while raising a stuffed Curious George doll in his arms and exclaimed, “I’m going to COCK you in the eye!” I was horrified by the incorrect usage of a word we do not say in our house and rather than give it any attention, decided to ignore it.

He has since come to use the term interchangeably with the word “pop.”

As in, “I’m going to COCK you!” “Can you COCK this for me?” or “COCK it over here and I’ll catch it!”

No matter how many times I explain that “cock” is not a word (lies, all lies) he uses it. So we’re working on refuting/ignoring that behavior.

More recently I had both kids with me at the drug store. I had just placed my bags in the bottom of the stroller to walk out and my verbal 3-year-old picks up a pack of gum, places it on the counter, and says to the clerk, “I’d like some d-i-c-k-s please.”

::crickets::

The clerk said, “Excuse me?” and my son repeated the phrase verbatim including the spelling of the word DICKS, only louder this time.

I put the gum back in the case and ushered him out the door fifty shades of mortified.

After nap I asked him what he wanted for snack and he replied, “I think I’ll just have some d-i-c-k-s and a yogurt.”

There it is again. Awesome, this is staying. (I’ve come to realize he came up with his own version of how we spell s-u-c-k-s, with incorrect letters and context. So much for spelling things around your kids.)

One evening I was chopping vegetables with a large knife while my kids played on the floor in the kitchen. My oldest has a constant stream of consciousness flowing out of his mouth at all times. I wasn’t giving him my undivided attention because I was trying to make dinner so I answered him with an occasional “yes” or “I don’t know if all birds eat fish, but some do,” and “I’m not sure what acorns taste like.”

My husband had been working more than usual and it was clearly weighing on our son’s mind. Out of the blue he asked, “So do sick people get to Daddy on the ambulance?”

“Some do, some just go to the hospital in their own car.”

“Does Daddy weigh them?”

“No, I don’t think he weighs them.”

“Does Daddy take their blood pressure?”

“Nope, he doesn’t take blood pressure either.”

“Then how does Daddy help people? I thought he is a doctor and he helps people?”

This is where I should have realized I was not giving him my undivided attention and told him we would talk about it later. Instead I half-heartedly continued the conversation.

“He fixes people.”

“Fixes people with what?”

Chopping vegetables the word “scalpel” popped into my mind but I quickly looked down at my hand and said, “With a knife.” (Fail! Fail! Parenting Fail!)

“DADDY CUTS PEOPLE WITH A KNIFE?!”

“Oh honey, it’s okay though, because the people are asleep.” (WORSE FAIL!!!)

“DADDY CUTS PEOPLE WITH A KNIFE WHILE THEY ARE SLEEPING!????????”

Crap. So then I tried to backpedal and fix something that was said without thinking while my son’s eyes are popping clear out of his head.

“No no, the people are just fine. He actually uses other tools like a wrench and a hammer. Oh and tubes! He uses LOTS of tubes!”

Now I’m a complete babbling idiot and I have no idea what I have just said to my child.

He continues to repeat the ridiculous description I’ve given him of his father’s job for the remainder of the evening and as my husband walks in the door he runs up to him and says, “Daddy do you cut people in their sleep with a knife and then fix them with a wrench and a hammer?”

My husband looks at me and says, “I guess there was a conversation that went terribly wrong today?”

And you know what? In my defense, the one thing I was able to NOT blurt out is that his Daddy FIXES PEOPLE’S PENISES!

I know I will be infinitely judged for my assumed foul-mouth as my kid goes around saying COCK and spelling d-i-c-k-s as people mutter to themselves, “Clearly a urologist’s child.”

The moral of the story is: Think before you speak. Or don’t. Because in the end they will say whatever they want anyway and it will be all your fault.

What is the most embarrassing thing your child has ever said?

Tamara Reese, MPH, CHES is a stay-at-home Mama and wife to a PGY6 Urology resident. She is a consultant in the field of Maternal and Child Health and a contributing editor to Kveller.com. Her work has been published in academic journals, La Leche League USA, Brain, Child Magazine and The Washington Post. You can follow her on Twitter @oiler02.

This article originally appeared on Kveller.com. For more insight on the day-to-day life of modern parenting, sign up for the Kveller newsletter here.